kajarainbow: (Default)
kajarainbow ([personal profile] kajarainbow) wrote2009-05-09 11:34 pm
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Words, words, how best to express ones feelings?

I don't really have a natural language. Not in the sense that is generally meant by language.

All words are difficult to me. The pictures described by the words do not match the pictures that are in my mind. The pictures in my mind are far more colorful and charged with emotional energy than words can manage to for me.

ASL, in some senses, is easier than English for me. But my ultimate language would be environment manipulation. Warping the very surroundings around me to convey my message, making an experience. An experience that would sometimes confuse or disorient most people, heh.

Something like this might be the kind of message that I might communicate. Or something easier to grasp, it's not like my mind's a total maze of surreality. But those more mundane matters're what regular words suffice for, since words were after all created to describe the realities largely shared and comprehensible by most humans. It's the stuff for which there are no words that I'm frustrated over being unable to communicate.

Especially when someone asks me how I'm feeling, and I have no real answers I can give in words. Or I just reply with something absurd like:
"I'm a moon!"
"Pink."
"The world is marble."

When I give you a reply like that? Mostly it's my grasp of language breaking down and spitting out random silliness instead of coherent meaning.

Even if I gained the types of communication abilities I desired, I think there would still be a part of me generally incomprehensible to most others.

In the meantime... I might try anyway. I'm often too silent, I don't voice the thoughts on my mind nearly enough.

[identity profile] relee.livejournal.com 2009-05-10 03:04 pm (UTC)(link)
I often wondered about that. It can be frustrating. Sometimes I think that I'm boring you, and you're trying to get me to change the subject. But then, you usally disappear shortly after, so I figure I let you down somehow. ^.^;;

But you always come back eventually, so I figure I must be doing something right.

[identity profile] kajarainbow.livejournal.com 2009-05-16 09:21 am (UTC)(link)
In large part, I'm inherently socially flaky to some extent, I think. Socialization is something I do for brief periods in between moments of extreme absorption.

[identity profile] relee.livejournal.com 2009-05-16 08:11 pm (UTC)(link)
Well, I still like thosemoments of exposure. It's like a visit from Al Azif.

[identity profile] kajarainbow.livejournal.com 2009-05-16 08:26 pm (UTC)(link)
Al Azif? Uh, as in the Necromonican, or the Demonbane character, or someone else? (I just looked it up.)

[identity profile] relee.livejournal.com 2009-05-17 02:47 am (UTC)(link)
They're basically the same, aren't they? Al Azif in Demonbane was the personification of the Necronomicon as a loli catgirl, full of forbidden knowledge and dark powers. ^.^

[identity profile] kajarainbow.livejournal.com 2009-05-17 02:56 am (UTC)(link)
Haha, now I can kinda see your basis for comparison.

[identity profile] relee.livejournal.com 2009-05-17 06:11 am (UTC)(link)
Have you ever seen Demonbane? It's kind of bizzare. It's an anime based on an erogame based on the cthulhu mythos. But for the anime they took out all the ero parts and just left subtle hints.

[identity profile] sophia-anieri.livejournal.com 2009-05-11 06:11 am (UTC)(link)
I really should have known that that's what it was. But thanks for explaining.

And yeah, the inability of many people to grasp thoughts that aren't framed in words was always frustrating to me. Not to the same extent -- I was usually able to approximate what I meant in words, eventually. It helps that, mentally, I could flip through half a dozen possible ways to continue a sentence while my vocal cords were still on the first few words. As I've gotten older, my thought-speed has decreased... and so has my capacity to think nonverbally. I'm afraid that I haven't done [i]most[/i] of my thinking in a form other than words since high school, though in the past year or two I've been consciously trying to practice that form of thought, and have been recovering the skill, slowly.

I sometimes get frustrated at people who assume that words are just the way everyone thinks... and blame them for being closed-minded. It isn't that, really. It's that they've never even considered the alternative.

[identity profile] krinndnz.livejournal.com 2009-05-13 05:48 pm (UTC)(link)
This was valuable for me to read, because I am very word-centric.

[identity profile] kajarainbow.livejournal.com 2009-05-16 09:19 am (UTC)(link)
Valuable because it gives you a peer at another kind of perspective?

[identity profile] krinndnz.livejournal.com 2009-05-16 10:43 am (UTC)(link)
Pretty much, yes. More "reminder" than "peek," though. I try to stay mindful. Mixed results.