Reflections

[kajarainbow]

I still have my old problems. Attention issues still plague me, and I still end up randomly concentrating passionately on things that bring me some pleasure but don't necessarily do much in the way of long-term improvements. Not only that, but I often end up neglecting other people. It doesn't help that I have trouble just with my own needs, let alone others.

In this house, I'm still socially isolated. The possibility of increased interaction hasn't worked in practice, largely because of the language barriers and the difficulties of crossing that. I expected slow progress on that front, but I didn't expect apparently zero progress. But, then, my ex's the only one I've known to learn sign language that rapidly, advancing to halting frequency within the space of a single summer or not much more, I think? Maybe more, but the point is that she was the exception to the rule. goji had willingness, but it turned out harder work than expected.

I'm not sure how I feel about all this. The estrogen does slightly odd things to my emotions, I think, though I find it pleasant that for example I deal far better with anger for example. Or so it seems. Not that I don't still feel those things, but they seem easier to control. I seem more conscious of an overall detachment, but looking back, I can't think of when I haven't exhibited that detachment, I only seem more aware of feeling it.

How much of this is the estrogen, and how much of it is just the other changes in my life, moving to another state and such? How much of it is just regular life drift? Not using sign language at all (as opposed to back home when I mostly just used writing due to sitting in front of the computer screen all day but at least got in some signing with my immediate family)?

Finally, I've been looking at deaf groups in the area. Only one regular group I found through an online lookup, and they're some kinda club with membership fees and regular get-togethers as well as official meetings with well-defined (likely decades old like at least some of the rules, or the club itself) orders of procedure. I abandoned Deaf culture because it didn't offer me much besides a chance to stand around quietly and be out of the loop and occasionally make small chitchat. I don't know what seeking out this group would bring me, or if it would give anything bother trying for.

And, now really actually finally: in my experiences, what has gone wrong hasn't been the things I made actual plans for going haywire, mostly, but more the results of things I hadn't considered, or expected changes failing to happen because it takes more than just that, after all. So, I just try and go on, and that's life for me. Keep trying even with a bad historical record, heh.

Comments

[shatterstripes.livejournal.com]

Seeking out a deaf* group would at least keep you fluent in sign. Languages decay if you don't use them.

* should I be capitalizing that or not? Adjectives for subcultures are funny that way.

[kajarainbow.livejournal.com]

They would probably insist on the capitalization. I'm not so fussy.

[asrinmoore.livejournal.com]

I can understand the difficulty. I don't like living alone, for the sake that I would never see anyone save at work, if I didn't live with people. I've a difficult time sociolizing with people, as generally speaking I don't enjoy most people's company. Too much drama, manipulation, and prancing about to have to deal with them. But by that same token, I feel a loss of humanity when I avoid human contact all together. While I don't suffer from the added ills of a language barrier, I do have a decidedly off sense of humor that most people find abbrassive, as I tend to speak what comes to me sans-filter. I end up not speaking at all, for fear that I might say something off, not know that said comment was off, and end up being alienated because of it.

[glashund.livejournal.com]

Mph. Lately I don't seem to be making much of a go at...life in general, really, let alone bringing anything to this whole house-thing. -_-

[kajarainbow.livejournal.com]

I know the feeling.

[odessafalena.livejournal.com]

I'd seek out the group. Worst case scenario, you'll stop going. Unless the membership fees don't fit into your budget, I'd try it.

Good luck, insert further inept reassurances here.

Aw!

[soulsurvival.livejournal.com]

I'm the "exception to the rule"! Yay!
I bet your friends will improve with the SL in time! Also, the group is a really really good idea and your friends are right about language decaying if you don't use it, I'm told. Coincidentally I got to use Sign language today for the first time in months? A year? two? It was so exciting but I was nervous about it too! There were these five profoundly deaf old people having a tag sale they live across from ASD and I stopped by the tag sale and it was pretty thrilling/cool/exciting just to be able to see if I COULD sign with other deaf people, as, actually, you are the only deaf person I know. I actually understood the basic stuff, still, which I was surprised at- I understood a little less but I could get "hi how are you /fine/ beautiful day/ how much is the book" kind of phrases and stuff. I hope you are doing okay! Hang in there and contact that group! I'm sure they will be more welcoming than you suspect :)
Peace out