kajarainbow

In large part, I'm inherently socially flaky to some extent, I think. Socialization is something I do for brief periods in between moments of extreme absorption. I often like having a general sense of people around but don't always feel like interacting directly with them. I do try, though, as thanks to those people who accept my sporadic interaction.

As an aside, I think this is a really cute icon. I seem to live for the fusion of the adorable and the warped, creepy or simply mutated.

Gasmask face! For some reason I love that name.

I was born in the darkness. But then again, so were us all. Impenetrable mystery, beyond the borders of our understanding. The endlessness before our births, as vast as that beyond our lives, whatever its form might be.

I opened my eyes and saw others. They were moving patterns in my eyes. Over time, I came to understand that they were people and not things put there to make me happy or irritate me. That was my childhood. I grew in such understandings, but even today, I seem to be short a step or two of the social developments I've read about.

I'm happy when people're clearly happy, and unhappy when they're clearly unhappy. But I often miss out on the subtle forms of happiness and unhappiness and other moods. I go hours, even occasionally days, without really thinking "Oh, people exist," as I lose myself in my preoccupations.

Today, I run up against an invisible glass wall trying to help a friend feel better. Finally coming up to the realization that I don't really understand their feeling, and that what I have is faint understanding at best. And that just earnestness isn't enough in many cases. I'd noticed this all along. But I'm beginning to truly understand it more and more, and that's a bitter realization. Earnestness is the only tool I know how to use, giving people affection and so on.

The metaphors I use for myself. Butterflies, moths, assorted other animals, monsters, robots, vampires, rainbows. Always in there is an element of separation from humanity. And, yet, I wish them well. I want all of you to be happy.

If I use the word "love", it's misleading. It's a word fraught with confusion, given its many meanings and permutations. If I say that I love you all, it might lead to misunderstanding of my meanings.

I'll say that I have affection for all of you, and wish you happiness. If you want to call that love, you can. A friend of mine said that wasn't love. They apparently were going off a different meaning of love than I was, which's why I said using that word leads to confusion.

But then again, a lot of people seem to have baffling requirements for things. To me, it looks like they overcomplicate things, but they just have their own reasons I'm not understanding. So I don't really have a position to judge them from.

I do like people, though. Even when they're irritatingly baffling. And some of them seem more understandable than others.

...Those more understandable people tend to use robots for metaphors for themselves though. Or similar beings. Heh.

So. I shall do my best, for both all of you and for myself. May you all have pleasant days and lives. And now I'll end my act by exploding into a swarm of butterflies.

Okay, I frequently get asked the same questions. So! If you have a question not already on this FAQ, just ask me!

~~~~~

Q. You're really deaf?
A. Yup.

Q. When did you became deaf?
A. At the age of one. I got that meningitis thing and ended up with a super-fever that fried my inner ears. Including the balance mechanisms, and I had to get physical therapy to work on my sense of balance. But it could be worse. At the time the doctor said I wouldn't walk again, but I walk just fine today.

Q. Can you read lips?
A. I cannot read lips (or actually speak English) despite having taken classes in it for years back in school.

Q. Do you know sign language?
A. Yes. American Sign Language and written English are my two native languages.

Q. What kind of school did you go to?
A. For all my years in school, I went to the American School for the Deaf, a regional deaf school in West Hartford, Connecticut. However, I took a few classes in public schools now and then.

Q. How are you able to discern what the other characters in your dream are saying? Do they speak in sign language? Is it ever possible for your experience sound in you dreams?
A. I don't remember ever experiencing sound. My deafness rarely comes into play in my dreams, though, and I actually don't dream in sign language that often. Possibly because my main communication medium's the written word. People (including me) in my dreams speak, but they speak in telepathy, not in sound.

Q. You're a transsexual? Which direction?
A. Male to female (MTF). For those who don't know what that means, I was born biologically male, and desire to change to biologically female. I'm currently taking hormonal treatments.

Q. Do you have an alarm clock? How does it work?
A. It vibrates. To expand upon that explanation, the clock plugs in via a wire trailing under the mattress to a little disc whose only function is to vibrate. Very powerfully. There's also a flashing light option, but I usually just use the vibration. It's quite... sufficient.

~~~~~

...There're a lot, LOT more questions people've asked me, about transsexuality and deafness and other general weirdnesses, but I can't recall them right now. But questions asked in replies to this post will be added to this FAQ. I intend to eventually expand it into a complete "Everything people frequently ask about me that I'm willing to answer" resource for my own convenience of linking people to.

So, go ahead, comment away.

Also, you might find it useful to peruse my tags deafspace and transpace, though my deafness tag has far more informative entries. I seem to talk a lot more about my deafness and the issues related to it on this journal than about transsexuality. Part of it might be that the people reading my Livejournal're generally more familiar with transsexuals (and transgenders) than they are with deaf people.